My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”