Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
You Might Also Like
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles