15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Herpes is trending, good job people
I know this now 😂
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier