[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
How about I get 100% off by already being there
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!