The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Not all heroes wear capes….
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice