God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
🙄😏😂🤣
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
FRED: right
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
damn he’s good
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa