There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.