Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You Might Also Like
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.