Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?