Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
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My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Last-minute gift idea!
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials