Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
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moms in horror movies
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
me after drinking all the wine:
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates