You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
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Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars