The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”