Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
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me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
getting groceries
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Meat Cute