one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
our love story in four pictures
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.