Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
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My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
congratulations to them
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance