You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
twitter users today:
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
The A string on my guit_r is flat
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise