Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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Finally!
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
HOW DARE YOU
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Breaking news:
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️