ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.