The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
We all have our pet causes.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.