ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”