Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.