doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.