Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
at ease…shoulder.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.