If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
The internet is full of many things
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.