Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.