mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.