Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
tourist season