FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR