romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
You Might Also Like
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Grandmother clock.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.