Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.