it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK