As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
You Might Also Like
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
He wanted to make sure😂
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT