In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
You Might Also Like
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
WTF
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.