Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
work smarter, not harder
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I think we should hear other voices.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
No one :
Me when I swimming :
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.