Imagine having a party on purpose.
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.