Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal