My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?