“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
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we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me :
All Day At Night
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.