If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.