I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff