when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I enjoy a good short stor
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I have written yet another poem about laundry
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.