I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
The three genders
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.