SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.