I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.