HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”