OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time