*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Ironic
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?