AM I BEING GASLIT????
You Might Also Like
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed