Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 馃槀
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Cow it started Cow it鈥檚 going
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I saw a TV for sale for only 拢1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
One time for my child鈥檚 birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I鈥檓 ready to take on the world.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
everyone (crying, begging): please鈥ou cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama